Check out my new blog
http://www.ConfessionsOfAHollywoodPromoter.blogspot.com
I'm actually going to update this one. :)
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Great quote
"That woman was sexy…Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them."
From the twitter account "shit my dad says"
X
From the twitter account "shit my dad says"
X
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Being mean to girls part 2 or How to get attraction
This one didn't happen to me, it was relayed to me by a friend. My buddy goes out to XIV on Sunday, which is the absolute hottest place in town. All hotties, hardly any dudes and house music blasting out onto Sunset Blvd.
My buddy's friends get a table which if you don't know costs a lot of money. Eventually a random girl comes by and starts fixing herself a drink. My buddy's friend Jason engages her:
Jason: Hi
Selfish Bitch: (not making eye contact, continues pouring) Hi
Jason: (louder, like he's rudely interrupting) HI!
Selfish Bitch: (continues pouring, still barely acknowledging his existence) Hi
Jason then grabs the full drink out of her hand, puts his hand over the terrace balcony and turns the cup upside down, pouring heavily marked-up Grey Goose into the bushes outside.
Jason: Get the fuck out of here
That, my friends, is how you do it....
I have little doubt this girl masturbated to this later.
X
My buddy's friends get a table which if you don't know costs a lot of money. Eventually a random girl comes by and starts fixing herself a drink. My buddy's friend Jason engages her:
Jason: Hi
Selfish Bitch: (not making eye contact, continues pouring) Hi
Jason: (louder, like he's rudely interrupting) HI!
Selfish Bitch: (continues pouring, still barely acknowledging his existence) Hi
Jason then grabs the full drink out of her hand, puts his hand over the terrace balcony and turns the cup upside down, pouring heavily marked-up Grey Goose into the bushes outside.
Jason: Get the fuck out of here
That, my friends, is how you do it....
I have little doubt this girl masturbated to this later.
X
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Actually said by a club girl......
"Perfecto. That's Spanish for perfect. A lot of people don't know that."
And she was dead serious.
X
And she was dead serious.
X
Monday, September 21, 2009
Occupational Hazard
Out a our new Friday night spot. I'm dancing with a Xander special - trashy blonde with an amazing body. My buddy comes behind me and leans in my ear.
Buddy: Don't make out with her.
Me: Why?
Buddy: She just blew a guy in the alley.
Me: That's a good reason.
I walk away knowing thinking it was probably true since I saw her disappear for 20 minutes earlier in the night. I'm both grossed out and turned on.
Buddy: Don't make out with her.
Me: Why?
Buddy: She just blew a guy in the alley.
Me: That's a good reason.
I walk away knowing thinking it was probably true since I saw her disappear for 20 minutes earlier in the night. I'm both grossed out and turned on.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
FR: Running into your ex is awkward enough
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…pickup is endless comedy.
Roll out to one of my favorite spots, which has been dying a slow death of late. This night appears to be its curtain call as it’s a bit ghetto inside. However, we do run into a very well known Pick Up Artist (herein referred to as PUA). I also run into my Stripper Ex.
Stripper Ex wasn’t a stripper when we dated. She’s not super wild and has not done coke or been with other women. I found all of this very disappointing. :)
Turns out Stripper Ex knows PUA or more specifically is best friends with PUA’s girlfriend. I’ve met PUA’s girlfriend many times and their relationship puzzles me. She speaks in “game” terms as in “He’s in set” or “He’s trying to pull.” She also says that he can have sex with other people but she can’t. I’ve been underwhelmed by PUA’s infield skills in the many times I’ve seen him but have to give him some credit for pulling off this arrangement. It’s the best deal I’ve heard of since the Lakers stole Pau Gasol from the Grizzles.
PUA’s girlfriend invites me back to PUA’s place for an afterparty. PUA’s apartment has all the charm of a hobo-occupied park bench. There are flies everywhere, the carpet is badly stained, the coffee table has tons of lad mags and the TV is roughly the size of my iPhone. It looks like the dorm room of a Chico State freshman. Maybe he’s squatting.
The afterparty mainly consists of PUA and his girlfriend attempting to get Stripper Ex into a threesome. I haven’t seen her in 2 years so I have no claim to her and I am also relishing in how amusingly the whole situation is. Also in the corner is PUA’s friend (or student, not sure which) attempting to game a very drunk 5 who PUA pulled for him. She’s hammered, her friend ditched her, she’s in a stranger’s apartment at 4am with no phone, keys or money and yet somehow this guy fails to close her. The pickup gods would be disappointed.
PUA is telling stories of having sex with a 300 lb woman named Olga in Norway and successfully convincing a guy to let him bang his girlfriend. He also brings out this gem:
PUA: Hey I have a joke for you
Me: OK I’ll bite
PUA: Name the hottest girl you’ve ever dated
Me: Lisa who –
PUA: (interrupting) I BANGED HER!
Me: (staring blankly)
PUA: Hahahahahaha
The door guy (also a promoter) from the club we were at shows up with a cute Latina. He tells me that he was clean and sober for the last 68 days but that the club was so ghetto he relapsed this evening. He is sniffing a lot and talking too fast. He goes on to tell me that PUA has a really bad coke habit. I have to think a sign you have issues with drugs is if a Hollywood club promoter says “Man, that guy has a problem!” I’m pretty sure it’s the first question at Narcotics Anonymous.
Finally Stripper Ex informs everyone that she will be going home with her ex (me) and we take off to my place. I’ll leave these details out because I don’t kiss and tell. :)
The next morning we pick up PUA’s girlfriend and go back to PUA’s place to pick up some things they left. On the way over PUA’s girlfriend says that PUA threw her out after we left because 1) he was pissed about not being to pull off the threesome and 2) she sat on the bed and spilled a bunch of coke all over the floor. Once again, I can’t make this stuff up…
After grabbing the stuff and saying hello to PUA, who looks like he’s aged about 20 years since the previous night, I finally head home……
X
Roll out to one of my favorite spots, which has been dying a slow death of late. This night appears to be its curtain call as it’s a bit ghetto inside. However, we do run into a very well known Pick Up Artist (herein referred to as PUA). I also run into my Stripper Ex.
Stripper Ex wasn’t a stripper when we dated. She’s not super wild and has not done coke or been with other women. I found all of this very disappointing. :)
Turns out Stripper Ex knows PUA or more specifically is best friends with PUA’s girlfriend. I’ve met PUA’s girlfriend many times and their relationship puzzles me. She speaks in “game” terms as in “He’s in set” or “He’s trying to pull.” She also says that he can have sex with other people but she can’t. I’ve been underwhelmed by PUA’s infield skills in the many times I’ve seen him but have to give him some credit for pulling off this arrangement. It’s the best deal I’ve heard of since the Lakers stole Pau Gasol from the Grizzles.
PUA’s girlfriend invites me back to PUA’s place for an afterparty. PUA’s apartment has all the charm of a hobo-occupied park bench. There are flies everywhere, the carpet is badly stained, the coffee table has tons of lad mags and the TV is roughly the size of my iPhone. It looks like the dorm room of a Chico State freshman. Maybe he’s squatting.
The afterparty mainly consists of PUA and his girlfriend attempting to get Stripper Ex into a threesome. I haven’t seen her in 2 years so I have no claim to her and I am also relishing in how amusingly the whole situation is. Also in the corner is PUA’s friend (or student, not sure which) attempting to game a very drunk 5 who PUA pulled for him. She’s hammered, her friend ditched her, she’s in a stranger’s apartment at 4am with no phone, keys or money and yet somehow this guy fails to close her. The pickup gods would be disappointed.
PUA is telling stories of having sex with a 300 lb woman named Olga in Norway and successfully convincing a guy to let him bang his girlfriend. He also brings out this gem:
PUA: Hey I have a joke for you
Me: OK I’ll bite
PUA: Name the hottest girl you’ve ever dated
Me: Lisa who –
PUA: (interrupting) I BANGED HER!
Me: (staring blankly)
PUA: Hahahahahaha
The door guy (also a promoter) from the club we were at shows up with a cute Latina. He tells me that he was clean and sober for the last 68 days but that the club was so ghetto he relapsed this evening. He is sniffing a lot and talking too fast. He goes on to tell me that PUA has a really bad coke habit. I have to think a sign you have issues with drugs is if a Hollywood club promoter says “Man, that guy has a problem!” I’m pretty sure it’s the first question at Narcotics Anonymous.
Finally Stripper Ex informs everyone that she will be going home with her ex (me) and we take off to my place. I’ll leave these details out because I don’t kiss and tell. :)
The next morning we pick up PUA’s girlfriend and go back to PUA’s place to pick up some things they left. On the way over PUA’s girlfriend says that PUA threw her out after we left because 1) he was pissed about not being to pull off the threesome and 2) she sat on the bed and spilled a bunch of coke all over the floor. Once again, I can’t make this stuff up…
After grabbing the stuff and saying hello to PUA, who looks like he’s aged about 20 years since the previous night, I finally head home……
X
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I'm not usually mean to girls, but.......
A few weeks ago I was out at a hotspot in Hollywood. As is typical in LA, I run into some pickup artists, mostly notably Matador. He’s slimmed down and wearing a wifebeater, fedora hat, and an Ipod with an ear bud in only his left ear.
The night is drawing to a close and I’m in the parking lot when Mystery doppelganger Dante Valentine sees me and asks for a lift to Mystery’s place. He has 2 girls with him and the four of us hop into my car en route to the Grand PUA’s Fortress of Solitude.
On the way we see a girl that I was talking to earlier. One of my buddies invited a girl out and this girl came with her but at the moment she is wrecked out of her mind and wondering the streets of Hollywood and Las Palmas. We politely extract her from the gentlemen who were “helping” her as they said. I had no idea the Red Cross of Cock set up in front of Les Deux. She hops in and immediately passes out in the back seat.
We get to Mystery’s place and wait for Matador to meet us. We get out of my car and wander around the parking lot a little, all except the passed out drunk girl who is mumbling something about Shikira. After Matador shows up I walk back to my car to check on the lifeless body of said club girl when I hear…….*BLAAAAAH*
NOOOOOOOOO!!!! She woke up just in time to yak all over my leather seats! I drag her out by her wrists but it’s too late. I’m fuming.
I walk into Mystery’s place a drunk Matador is giving me a pep talk of sorts. He complains that the directors and producers at the club were all fake and robotic and how he is the one walking out with girls and not them. I give up pointing out the obvious irony in his statement after he compliments me by saying I can do it too because I am better looking than him (not true, but I appreciate when people say I’m good looking. ;) )
When we get to Mystery’s afterparty I tell him about the girl puking in my car and he says: “Ewwww, gross. We’ll clean it up.” He laughs, puts his arm around me, and says, “I will be your wolf tonight.” I’m telling you folks, I can’t make this stuff up.
I’m way too pissed to enjoy the afterparty so after a still drunk Matador helps me clean my backseat I decide to take off. On my way out I see the girl who wrecked my night.
Me: Gimme your purse
Girl: *Mumbling something inaudible*
Me: Give me your purse
I snatch her purse out of her hand, determined to take the money it will undoubtedly take to properly clean my car. Unfortunately, like all chickenheads, she is completely broke and out of cash. I toss the purse back to her and walk to my car.
As I get to my car my buddy texts me:
Buddy: My girl is worried about her friend. Is she with you?
Me: The bitch puked in my car!!!!!!
Buddy: Haha. Can you bring her here?
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I take off home, with the faint smell of Cosmo’s emanating from the back seat……
X
The night is drawing to a close and I’m in the parking lot when Mystery doppelganger Dante Valentine sees me and asks for a lift to Mystery’s place. He has 2 girls with him and the four of us hop into my car en route to the Grand PUA’s Fortress of Solitude.
On the way we see a girl that I was talking to earlier. One of my buddies invited a girl out and this girl came with her but at the moment she is wrecked out of her mind and wondering the streets of Hollywood and Las Palmas. We politely extract her from the gentlemen who were “helping” her as they said. I had no idea the Red Cross of Cock set up in front of Les Deux. She hops in and immediately passes out in the back seat.
We get to Mystery’s place and wait for Matador to meet us. We get out of my car and wander around the parking lot a little, all except the passed out drunk girl who is mumbling something about Shikira. After Matador shows up I walk back to my car to check on the lifeless body of said club girl when I hear…….*BLAAAAAH*
NOOOOOOOOO!!!! She woke up just in time to yak all over my leather seats! I drag her out by her wrists but it’s too late. I’m fuming.
I walk into Mystery’s place a drunk Matador is giving me a pep talk of sorts. He complains that the directors and producers at the club were all fake and robotic and how he is the one walking out with girls and not them. I give up pointing out the obvious irony in his statement after he compliments me by saying I can do it too because I am better looking than him (not true, but I appreciate when people say I’m good looking. ;) )
When we get to Mystery’s afterparty I tell him about the girl puking in my car and he says: “Ewwww, gross. We’ll clean it up.” He laughs, puts his arm around me, and says, “I will be your wolf tonight.” I’m telling you folks, I can’t make this stuff up.
I’m way too pissed to enjoy the afterparty so after a still drunk Matador helps me clean my backseat I decide to take off. On my way out I see the girl who wrecked my night.
Me: Gimme your purse
Girl: *Mumbling something inaudible*
Me: Give me your purse
I snatch her purse out of her hand, determined to take the money it will undoubtedly take to properly clean my car. Unfortunately, like all chickenheads, she is completely broke and out of cash. I toss the purse back to her and walk to my car.
As I get to my car my buddy texts me:
Buddy: My girl is worried about her friend. Is she with you?
Me: The bitch puked in my car!!!!!!
Buddy: Haha. Can you bring her here?
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I take off home, with the faint smell of Cosmo’s emanating from the back seat……
X
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